The Mundane Adventures of the Eskimo and the Ninja: All I Want for Christmas is You… And a Better Bootleg Copy of Quantum of Solace

In the morning, Ba, Peter and I had an intense conversation about Alexander the Great and Moses. We sat there and debated over the wooden table, the bowls nearing empty as the debate roared on. If I didn’t know a word, Ba would take an orange peel and leave streaks of citrus on the table to make the character. Ba sat cross legged, leaning over two chairs, and put his hands on the tops of the chairs, as if there were people there to put an arm around. Peter sat hunched over his metal bowl, slurping loudly as he occasionally threw a tidbit into the argument. I sat leaning in the corner, feeling completely at ease, even though the conversation sounded like they were yelling at each other and me. I’ve gotten used to how harsh the language sounds sometimes. The Alexander the Great argument was based on the fact that the Chinese translation is Alexander the Big Emperor. They assaulted me with questions to why there was a translation mistake, and I ended up offering up the lie that maybe it was translated from Greek to English wrong. Ba seemed content with that answer and slowly moved onto the origins of Judaism, which I had to explain, were not in Egypt, but actually the reason why radical Muslims don’t tend to get along with Jews. He only cared about the crossing of the Red Sea though. I offered a theory to explain the crossing of the Red Sea, but quickly followed it up with, “It’s just a story.” My host family laughed at that. Quite the lunch I’d say. I then wandered over to my cha lou to apply to colleges. After a long day of applying to colleges in the smoky tea house and having to bear with an annoying Chinese man watching Semi-Pro at the table across from mine, I left and headed for a quick meal at McDonalds before curfew. I walked in and Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bells and the like were playing overhead. The music finally put me in the holiday mood. I don’t know why the eight story tall Christmas tree at Jianguomen, or the decorations at Xidan didn’t make me oh so ho-ho-ho jolly, but what did was the music at McDonalds. Odd how my mind works. I looked at the crowd that visits McDonalds at 10:30 at night. There were a few business men, a lone girl, head hung over her coffee, but most surprising of all was the young couple at a table, stroking each other and… OH MY GOD… Turning away. I never thought of McDonalds as a place to get festive. I returned home and went to sleep, humming I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.

I don’t want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need. I don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree… It’s that time of the year.

I woke up to the obnoxious ringtone I picked for my ancient cell phone. I jolted up and grabbed it, answering, “Wei?” It was Chris. “Hey you wanna grab some lunch?” I looked at the watch I never wear anymore and it was ten ‘till twelve. Yes, yes I did want some lunch, so I threw on my warm Eskimo jacket and met Chris downstairs. We were off to find a new place to eat. We started discussing some of the problems that we were finding in Beijing as we walked the crowded street of Xinjiekouwai. Our biggest problem was the fact that we have to go out to do something, we can’t just invite people over and relax on a couch and watch movies. But the conversation quickly ended as we walked by a woman carrying a baby in a very odd curly bear suit. Chris and I both looked at each other and then looked back at the kind of woman that would dress her child like that AND THEN take it out in public. The child had magically transformed into a poodle. We both started laughing like madmen, attracting even more attention than we were as the Eskimo and the Ninja. Really though, who carries their poodle like a baby?! We wandered into Beishida University and found a restaurant that Warren recommended to us. We sat down at a table and they brought us half a roast duck and some Jing Jiang Rou Si. We chatted about various things such as school, the upcoming speech festival, my newly donned single status, etc. as people came in and sat down around us, giving us a three table berth. The duck was greasy and I couldn’t believe that my mind had been rewired so that I could eat this type of food. For example, I had eaten a bowl of fat as a meal in Chuxi. People in China, on average, eat 20 to 30 percent more calories per meal than the average American but are skinnier and healthier. I’m slightly baffled how that works out, but no matter. The Chinese sure know how to make the most unappetizing things tasty. We left and didn’t want to go back to our houses and thusly homework, so we decided we were going to buy a movie and watch it. We didn’t care that there was still homework to do and it was Sunday. We were going to indulge in some American activities. In the movie store, a woman was arguing over the incredibly “high” price of seven kuai for a movie while her pug sat next to her in a bumblebee outfit. People around town have started dressing their pets up in sweaters and other clothes. I’ve seen more emasculated men avert their gaze from me as I see them walking their white Pomeranians wearing a turtleneck down the street. But back to the movie store, we found Quantum of Solace, shelled out our seven kuai and were on our way to Chris’ house to watch our bootleg copy of the movie. I enjoyed it, up until the part where they were falling out of the plane and then landed in some sinkhole and the movie credits went up. Wait? Did Bond die? Nope, bootlegger was lazy. We went back to the store and exchanged it for a new one, which didn’t even get to the plane ride. So we just listened to Christmas music and talked in Chris’ room. It was nice. Going out is fun, but every now and then I need a break. Apparently so do other people.

Oh my, it’s almost Christmas and I can’t get All I Want for Christmas is You, the My Chemical Romance version, out of my head. And when is Hanukah? Just so I don’t feel like a bad Jew when I’m asked again.